Just Fine Periodical (Another Long Year)
What I’ve realized over these past nine months of silence is that blog posts are much, much harder to compose when you’re doing just fine. Maybe that gives you a ballpark idea of where I’ve been.
Summer came and went, and I was everywhere. Toronto-Virginia-Delaware-Virginia-again—Toronto-again-New-York-Denver-Florida-LA-LA-again-Seattle-Austin-haaahahahahaha. Boston in between pretty much all those stops. This is an advertisement for Chase Sapphire’s travel point bonus program.
In hindsight, I can say I was just fine. Most of it felt fine - what’s not fine about seeing people you love and making memories that will last forever, for better or for worse?
But the more you travel, the more you are never in one place for more than a couple of weeks at a time… the more you wonder where you belong. The more you realize that you don’t have a place where you feel at home, and that you haven’t had one for so long. What makes a home? you wonder. Where can I be?
This question used to be so easy to answer. A lot of questions used to be so easy to answer.
Such is life in your early 20’s, probably. Something something “at some point your current apartment becomes home and your childhood home is now a place to go for the holidays”.
As a note, when I opened this post with the brave implication that I was doing just fine, despite these past few statements, I really am just fine now! Good, even. This may be a symptom of denial, or perhaps maturity.
Cue travel photo reel!
I got myself a Fujifilm XE-4 and a 35mm f2 lens around August and have been abusing it.
I Love Work Haha
(By the way, I’m not actually a huge fan of The Car. Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino is probably my favorite Monkeys album, but this… It’s good, but sonically, I just want more. Mirrorball is still the greatest song I’ve ever heard, though, and there’s a reason it’s #1 on my Spotify Wrapped. Tana, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry again.)
Skip this section if you don’t want to read about work lol. Everything I write here is absolutely and stupidly self-indulgent. I kept it here because I get a lil goofy smile thinking about it.
As bleak of a reason as it might sound like, work really is the major player in my ability to stay just fine as of late.
But why? Oh god, that sounds so awful? Get therapy?
Well. Discussions about work-life-balance aside… and again, this is just my humble onion: what I’ve gleaned from working on many a game project at maybe not so many a studio is that it’s not the game that keeps you coming back every day. It’s not always what you’re doing, or what you can make. It’s the people, it was always the people, and it will always be the people.
Now, this probably is a resultant thought of 3-years-of-experience-or-something… but I’m convinced that our yearning to know and love and laugh with people manifests in everything we do, and that’s why we continue to work with the people we know and laugh with and like and maybe love.
random image of booba (cat) just to cut text and make it more digestible
Okay, so I did just say all of that, but to place full emphasis on just people is a bit of an overstatement. To say it better: the joy I derive from my job is a potent cocktail of the people + the work that I adore.
That may sound a little bit workaholicky, but I’ve fallen in love with the cycle of make things ➡ hear feedback from my wonderful teammates ➡ back to drawing board ➡ repeat. My senior teammates are incredibly well-read and approachable. I’m learning so much from the feedback I get from them - and it helps me make things that I didn’t know I was capable of nearly every day. I want to strive to create and do things that will make my teammates, our players, and myself happy…!! I hope none of my coworkers are reading this…!!!
tl;dr: the people at work make me happy and that makes me just fine.
Replenish All Stamina
Recently, I came across a tweet draft from December 2021 that made me step back a little and think about my 2022 in full scope.
very silly
Of course, our New Year’s resolutions don’t usually last. Clearly this one didn’t, because this year I:
listened to other artists other than HAIM (Fontaines D.C. is just too good!)
never moved to NYC and no longer want to. people change and also 5k/mo for a studio is not cool !!
never even sent that tweet… so much for accountability
But most importantly, “i will renew my desire to make art again,” 22-year-old Quiana had typed (she was probably on the toilet at 4am).
(Context: after overcommitting myself to a project with little results (no one’s fault in particular!), I… burnt out really hard. For maybe four years. I barely drew ten things for fun this year.)
Well… well.
After twelve months of travel and many losses in the perpetual game of emotional ping pong, I think part of this resolution came true. I’ve eaten the special +100 stamina food and I am ready to make so much art in a non-employment context again.
Is this what freedom from your creative demons feels like? Because it feels stupid… in the best way possible. As in, I want to make stupid cat-shaped pottery. I want to make stupid beats in Ableton Live and never share them with the world. I want to make so much stupid Genshin Impact fanart!!!
Being excited to make art again feels so good.
And Around Again
Of course, I wouldn’t be here without the care and support of the people I know and love, even if they aren’t aware that they helped me make my way down this particular path. It’s always about the people. I’m so grateful for them existing. I’m so glad that they are the white button down in the Mitski song yeah okay the metaphor’s a bit much.
Oh, how the joy of creation heals! Oh, how I love so much!
I am doing just fine!
See you next year. I love you!
