And So I Photograph
Once again, I’m late — and yet another year has passed. As adulthood winds on, I find impactful events that once marked turning points in my life now tend to come fewer in number. Am I desensitized? Or is this a sign of happiness? I don’t meander on this much.
Either way, the passing of time is beginning to blur. Days pass; I remember less details. Crumbs remain. Sometimes mundane. Mostly mundane, but that doesn’t always mean boring or insignificant.
Everything happens so much. How can I remember it all? My partner once kept an hourly chart, coded by numbers and colors, with little notes about each day. I try to journal, but though words come naturally to me, my brain works best in images. If I cannot write it all, I will picture it all. And so I photograph.
The Suns
California holds my heart. I’ve lived and loved for what feels like lifetimes in that state; I’ve been a cast of different versions of myself there. Despite the metaphor, I find that when I return, I feel like less of a character and more of a person.
And so many of my most beloved photographs from last year are from my trips in California. Snapshots of time spent among those whom I love. My friends, both old and new; my family, my mother. I miss you all. I hope these photographs help you understand how much I love you!
Other Places
The other day, I glanced at my Instagram and realized that I’d posted very few photos of my time living in Cambridge… but I’ve been here three years, going on four!
It’s not that I don’t value my life here… truthfully, it’s just been lonely. To echo the chorus resonating around the room, a young adulthood spent chasing a career can lead to lonely places. Places where you sit alone, working on something from a computer for eight hours daily, periodically attending to an office with maybe five other people in it on a good day. Places where the friendships you try to make can feel forced and few in between; exhaustion binds you from effort, while a new, ever-present fear of rejection binds you from vulnerability. The photographs of these places that you find yourself in are missing love — and so you don’t post them.
Still, I tried. And for the past year, I’ve been lucky to find at least a couple few people to hold closely. Some old friends, some new friends, some already dear, and someone else newly special. Thanks to all of them for helping me feel more like myself in this transient city.
On and On
This year’s chronicle lacks a lot of detail. I apologize for that, but I haven’t yet found the words to express how my life has changed. I hope to let the photos speak for themselves.
Between the margins of these photos and paragraphs, I’ve grown, gotten lost, found my way, and then proceeded to get lost again. I’m still on a search to figure out how I feel about myself and how I want to be.
Change is scary. I’m constantly questioning myself nowadays, wondering if this is the direction I feel the most okay in. Over this past year, I’ve learned that if there’s one thing I should hold close to myself, it’s my own values: both current and future. Without them, I would really lose myself. I must remember this.
So I’ll keep on going, wherever it may be. Good or bad aside, I’m happy to see who I become this year.
Maomao, an Airbnb kitty that I met this year in LA. Sweetie cuddly soft precious baby.
There’s not much more I want to say in this post. I’ll try to write more in 2024… maybe you’ll finally find out what I have to say about coffee cake. I’ve started shooting film too — look out for that soon!
Thanks for stopping by. As always, if you’re reading this, I love you!
